What drives 0nesun? Well, I think I would have to split this one up into two different categories: (1) What drives my thinking? (2) What drives my decisions?
Well I have always known that my thinking is driven by the pursuit of truth. Truth being the reconciliation of what is in my mind and what is in reality. Unfortunately this has also been the source of much emotional distress and turmoil, as well as great satisfaction and elation. The reason is simple: when what is in your mind is NOT what is in reality you must change; the change is hard.
Since my childhood I have always been in pursuit of the truth, and I love finding it and matching my thinking and opinions based on the truth that I have found. I have morphed over the years (like everyone) and I like to think that it is due to my honest pursuit of the truth. Recently, I have been fascinated with economics and, in particular, its tendency to completely rewire my mind's perception of social problems. If life were simple and straight forward, our society would run quite smoothly. It is our tendency to ignore reality and pretend it is one way, when it is clearly another, that is a cause for all of our confusion, misunderstanding, and strife. ... But I digress.
If truth drives my thinking, then ego drives my choices.
As I mentioned, truth is important to me. The truth is that my life choices are based off of my perception of what I would like other people to see me as. My life goals and paths I take are based on the desirability of how I look in the mirror when I have finished. If I like what I see, then I will make an effort to achieve it. What I like to see in the mirror is constantly changing, however. For a time I thought that being an elite rock climber was what I would like to see, but this has obviously changed because at present I have almost no desire to climb at all. I have learned from economics that (1) people act on incentives and (2) that everyones end game is different. So how do I come to a conclusion about what really drives my desire?
When I make a choice, the outcome has to be significant and public. Being a damn good rock climber is only desirable to me if people know. Being a good student is only important to me if I am recognized for it. Being a Chartered Accountant (CA) is a desirable career path because it is a prestigious accreditation and my words will be taken seriously when I talk about business and money. Being publicly successful is important to me, though I am not sure why. Perhaps I had lack of recognition is a child and I would like to make up for it? Maybe it's just the way I am wired? I am not sure.
Thinking about what drives me makes want to say something noble, though. There are some constraints that don't allow me to do certain things. For one, I will not do anything that will compromise my relationship with Alaina. I wouldn't be a travelling musician if it puts tention on my relationship, for example. I won't do anything that makes my lifestyle undesirable for her either. I have a desire to provide for Alaina and make our life together full of richness and plenty. I want to be sure we are secure and takencare of.
In light of this confession it makes me wonder if I have an issue here or if it is normal. I think a little more self evaluation and assessment is in order. What SHOULD I be driven by?
J.
Oh, thats a tough one. In terms of feeling like you want to be publicly successful makes me think of something I have been reading about it The Rock Warriors's Way, Mental training for climbers.(J, if you haven't read this book, check it out).
ReplyDeleteIn the book the author talks about Performance, Self-Image and Self-Worth. Self-Worth is how valuable we feel. Self-Image is our sense of who we are and what we can do. When our self worth gets tangled up in our achievements you might think that you are a better person just because you accomplished a 5.13 or received a bachelors degree. But it sounds kind of harsh when you think about it. Are you really a better person then me because you can climb a 5.13 and I can only climb a 5.10 (just an example)?
You may be glad to have made those accomplishments but they do not actually increase your worth as a person. What those accomplishments give you is knowledge, they teach you something about yourself and you grow from those experience because you gain self confidence in your abilities. If the only thing you gained was a pat on the back from me, that would be over pretty quickly and you would have nothing long standing from it. But the fact that you learned something from that situation, I think that THAT is the real gift because it continues to stay with you, not the actual accomplishment itself. So really, it doesn't matter what you do, be you do need to have the right value system. If you value recognition for your achievements over the actual process of learning something you may not feel satisfied even when you reach your goal because the motivating factor wasn't about you. It was about someone else. And like I mentioned in a post of mine, no one really cares what you do. Our self confidence comes purely from our internal motivations.
Holy crap, that was a long rant, and im not even sure if i made a point. I guess what I am trying to get at is that you should be driven by YOUR values, not someone elses. You are right on track about values in your relationship with Alaina. That seems like a legit and real motivating factor. Keep digging!
Thanks for the feed back, SL! I do realize that I get major emotional and intellectual value from my journeys in to things like rock climbing and education; but, my original motivating factor is that of challenge and ego. I like a challenge where if I come out successful I feel like I know kung fu!
ReplyDeleteChallenge drives me... but not challenge for the sake of challenge. More like challenging things with a bad ass personal vision at the end, which I attribute to ego.
I think it is important to differentiate self-worth and self-image. They shouldn't be co-dependant - you are 100% right. How do I satisfy my self-worth then? What can I accomplish, or do, or be that will give me that contentment?
Ego is a weak force to rely on for long term motivation because, like you said, it is fleeting, and temporary. It is a strong force in the short term, but for long, consistant and enduring periods of time it seems to fade away. My motivation wanes and I lose that drive to continue.
I'll keep digging :)